I was distant back then. Distant from my family, friends, and in some ways myself. I put up a wall to block anyone from getting too close. Every time someone tried to get near I would push them away until they were safely on the other side of that wall. I preferred it that way. It was better for me to be alone.
If I was to be honest, I probably was like that for a long time before I fully embraced it during my teenage years. I remember my mother telling me I was once a happy baby. I was always smiling and laughing and then one day it stopped. She never saw that carefree, giddy child again.
Up until high school, my entire educational background was catholic school. All the girls wore plaid jumpers in elementary school and then upgraded to the same colored green, red, and yellow plaid skirts in middle school. Everyone looked the same and acted the same. It was suffocating. Luckily for me, around this time my neighbor introduced me to screamo and alternative metal. Bands such as Escape the Fate, My Chemical Romance and Bullet for My Valentine started to fill my ipod. It was also then when I first heard the song My Immortal from Evanescence.
Now, being in a public high school, things are a little different. Instead of there only being one group there are multiple groups of different people. What is comical though, is that out of all the different groups I still don’t fit into a crowd. Instead I migrate from group to group being careful not to get too attached to anyone. If past experiences have taught me anything it’s that I can’t trust people. It is better for me to play the part they want to see and then be me in solitude.
Throughout all this Amy Lee was my inner voice. She could articulate what I couldn’t to others and even myself; my anger, confusion, wanting, needing and angst all summed up in her lyrics while her voice was powerful enough to always give me chills. She was my rock in the ever-flowing cycle of fear and doubt I found myself in.
Even with all I went through in my early childhood I wouldn’t change a thing if it shaped me into who I am today. Shit happened but I was able to get through it and grow because of it. My “dark” phase is a part of me I have accepted and moved on from. However, Evanescence will always be a welcomed listen at anytime.